I Need a Job

In spite of the BILLIONS of people who visit this site every minute, I am still having no lucking getting a book deal, or landing any major advertising accounts. Although I have an underground following estimated at more than 90 Trillion people, I am coming to terms with the reality that my groundbreaking work will not become mainstream until years after I die. If I continue down this path, like most great artists I will die in the streets hungry, alone, and infested with warts.

Earlier this week I threatened to start adding blogs to this site if someone did not sign my guest book, or E-mail Me. Two days later, sadly, I have still received no feedback. I feel as though I'm talking to the air, stung out on weed, my eyes red and swollen like used tampons. Unfortunately the air will not tell me to SHUT UP. So it is with much trepidation that I am going to go forth unto the earth and find a damn job.

That's right, I am going to have to get a job. My dislike for work is well documented and undeniable, however you leave me little recourse. You, the reader, have blatantly disregarded my pleas for recognition, and you are now forcing me to take up a life of servitude. I hope you're happy.

I know that I will receive little sympathy for my plight, as more than 75% of my 90 Trillion readers labor in Nazi death camps. The other 25% are Nazis themselves and feel sympathy for nothing. For 2 glorious weeks I have been unemployed and I have dedicated all my time to this site. The world has taken my stunning contributions to literature for granted, and now that I am returning to work I will not be able to make these contributions so frequently.

When the affects of my lifestyle change become apparent, and people begin to realize that I am not adding content to this site very often, I have no doubt that my Guest Book will be flooded by threats of death or torture if I do not update my site. My E-mail will be filled with letters from desperate addicts begging for another hit. My heart will be heavy when I tell these lost souls that their best bet is to take up heroin, because that is the only chance they have at filling the void in their life.

All of this could have easily been avoided, if only I received the attention I deserved. I hope you are all happy.